While Lexi naps- yes naps, I thought I'd write. The simplest change brings revolution in the Clifton home. No after lunch bottle. Nap at 1. I had a small realization after eating a ton of cookies and drinking a glass of milk late one night. My heart was racing and I was in overdrive. Jon pointed out the large amount of sugars in milk, and I realized I was pumping Lexi full of sugar in an effort to get her to calm down for a nap. Change. Naps. Not every day, but most. And after about an hour I miss her and want her to wake up anyway. But small triumph.
I have, for some reason, omitted Benji from recent updates. His health is holding steady, but he is not the puppy he was 15 years ago. His cancer in his arm is back, but not operable because it is covering a much larger part of his leg then before. It is not the type that will spread beyond his leg though, so that is good. He is still totally blind, and runs into almost every wall. He always finds his way to the back door and the back inside, and to his food dish, so he's adapting to his handicap. He also finds Lexi trying to cuddle him, and although he seems alarmed, he does allow her her moments of love before he runs off to find a place to hide. I think they really do love each other.
I was looking at pictures last night of Lexi in the days after she was born. She was so small, yet you can see the beginnings of the person she has become today. As a baby she was always looking around at everything, taking it all in, learning, growing. Not much has changed. Looking back over the short 22 months since her arrival, I see it in much faster motion. It's almost as if she was born, she cried, she ate a bit, and then she took off running. I know I keep saying it, but this is the best time I've ever had with my family, especially Lexi. Watching her learn, and hearing her say things like 'mommy's turn' and 'Lexi do it' shows that I just might be doing things right with her.
Lately I have relaxed into a calmer self. As I near my 40s, (yes I said it) I realize that the things that I was running towards in my 20s are here. The 20s are a blur of running in hot pursuit of education, marriage, good job, good place to live, etc. Now that I'm older I can sit still and appreciate the things around me. My beautiful child, a tree waving softly in the wind, a weed that's just going to wait for me as long as it takes to be pulled, a husband that is so wonderfully devoted to his family. Lexi won't be a child forever. She will always need me, but not always need a cuddle while she drinks her milk. She won't always run to me when she is scared. She will not base her life on what I need. I am glad that at least for now, I can base my life on what she needs. Someday I will return to the working mom world, but I will always be a mom first and foremost. That is, as Lexi would say, Awesome!
-Jenni
